Thank God we are moved into our new apt, and the number of boxes is slowly dwindling. Now that we have an extra bedroom I can turn one room into the official baby room… the 3rd bedroom can be the office/studio/guest room! So, of course, the urgent need to furnish and decorate has surfaced. Sadly, we have zero budget for decorating. Only the essentials. (And the pretty silk flowers that my husband bought for me, after he saw me pick them out and then regretfully put them back on the shelf.) None-the-less, that urge remains. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a new crib set with matching curtains? One of those diaper disposal things? A big toy chest to dump all the miscallanious toys? Ah well, that and more will have to wait for another day. For those mom-to-be’s who are also wondering what is essential in baby’s room, and what they can do without, you can check out NewMomOldMom. This mom is having her 3rd child at age 40, and has learned a few things about what she’ll need to have, and what are just fun extras. BabyCenter also has a useful checklist of essential baby supplies.
The Epidural Fan Club
Somebody put together a list called Signs that it’s time to look for a new care provider. It’s funny because although I can tick off a few things on that list, I really couldn’t care less.
For example, the first thing listed is: Each visit to the OB office feels like you’re on the converyor belt in a factory production line.Yup, that’s me. But it’s a slooooow production line. I am always waiting for the receptionist to finish her cup of coffee or telephone conversation, and check me in. Then I have to wait for the nurse to weigh me, take my blood pressure, and tell me to pee on a stick with little colored boxes. (What the heck does that thing tell her, anyway? I really should ask one of these days…) Then I wait some more for the doctor to call me in. I happen to like my doctor and don’t mind that each visit with her is usually under 5 minutes. I take it as a sign that everything is going well, and I can just be on my way…
Number 3 on the list is when you hear them say things like, “If you don’t go into labor on your own by week x, we’ll need to…” Yup, I heard that with my last pregnancy, and indeed they did induce me at the 2 week past-due mark. But then again, I was young and naive, and wanted that baby out already! I have realized that no one actually forced me to go to the hospital for that induction except myself. So what happens if I come in a few days after than, with actual signs of labor… are they going to turn me away? So let them talk…
Number 12 on her list is: “Oh, just get the epidural. You don’t get a medal for a natural birth.” Well, I can’t say that is the most delicate way to put it. Women should have a choice about the way they want to give birth, and their care provider should be sensitive and supportive. However, I personally am in the Just Get an Epidural! Fan Club. I have known a number of women who go in with rosy ideas of natural births, end up begging for the drugs. (Such as myself.) I mean really, how could I actually believe that breathing exercises and warm showers are ideal ways of managing pain? Now I am wiser. Why go through the agony when you can be happy and relaxed instead? I think it’s aptly compared to someone going through surgery without anesthesia….
N.Y. Times dispells pregnancy myths
Did you know that eating too much tuna can harm a growing fetus? What about sushi? Have you thought of re-heating your deli meats before eating them? How many cups of coffee is it safe to drink while pregnant? Do you think it’s ok to gain 40 lbs, since you are now “eating for two”?
Read the facts here.
Stress is bad for growing babies
“Chronic mild stress in pregnant mothers may increase the risk that their offspring will develop cerebral palsy,” says a new study. “These findings are consistent with growing evidence that constant stress, even minimal, can have a major impact on the quality of life.” Well, if that doesn’t stress you out, I don’t know what will. Read about it here. Stop it! Calm down! You’re getting stressed out just reading this article… ahhhhhhhhhh!!!
But don’t worry, the article also offers way to combat stress. The last tip is: Identify the personal sources of stress in your life and look for ways to eliminate them. Well, that’s handy-dandy. Let’s see, I’ll just quit my job, tell my landlord to bug off, lock my 2-yr-old in the basement, and pull the phone out of the wall. That ought to take care of things around here!
Photographing Pregnancy
When something special happens, many people reach for a camera. Weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, births… we all want to remember the beauty, the joy, the feeling of anticipation these events bring, and a photo is often the perfect way to capture that fleeting moment. Well, nine months of pregnancy does not exactly qualify as a “fleeting moment,” but once your baby has arrived in the world, you only have memories of carrying her inside you for all those months. Unless, that is, you choose to photograph yourself, and more importantly, your belly.
Some photographers specialize in capturing the beauty of the pregnant woman. If you’ve been thinking about celebrating your pregnant body in this way, but not sure how to go about it, the best place to start is with someone who’s done it many times before. To see samples, you can visit Lori Nordstrom’s website and view photos of her lovely expecting mothers. Another beautiful photograhpy site is Jennifer Loomis Fine Art Pregnancy Photography. And one more website with striking and dramatic pregnancy photos to check out: Linnea Lankus Fine Art Portrature.
If you chose the right artist to take your photos, you definitely won’t regret it! “Is the beautiful 37 week pregnant woman in those pictures really me?” raves one of Jennifer Loomis’ clients. “To call them pictures is not an accurate description — they’re art… You have given our family a wonderful gift by magically capturing the hope and the love Tim and I felt at such an exciting time in our lives.”
Pregnancy Q & A
Pregnancy Questions & Answers: (from bulterwebs.com)
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
15-Step Parenthood Preparation Program
If you don’t have kids yet, you might not find this amusing. If you do have kids, you’ll probably laugh out loud 🙂
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store. 2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. 3. Go home. 4. Pick up the paper. 5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their… 1. Methods of discipline. 2. Lack of patience. 3. Appallingly low tolerance levels. 4. Allowing their children to run wild. 5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…. 1. Get home from work and immediately begin walkin! g aroun d the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner) 2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. 3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM. 4. Set the alarm for 3AM. 5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial. 6. Go to bed at 2:45AM. 7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off. 8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM. 9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive) Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out.. 1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. 2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. 3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed. 4. Then rub them on the clean walls. 5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it. 6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh. 2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning.
Lesson 6
1. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a jar of paint, turn it into an alligator. 2. Now take the tube from a roll of toilet paper. Using only Scotch tape and a piece of aluminum foil, turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. 3. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower
Lesson 7
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. 1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. 2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player. 3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot. 4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 8
1. Get ready to go out. 2. Sit on the floor of your bathroom reading picture books for half an hour. 3. Go out the front door. 4. Come in again. Go out. 5. Come back in. 6. Go out again. 7. Walk down the front path. 8. Walk back up it. 9. Walk down it again. 10.Walk very slowly down the sidewalk for five minutes. 11. Stop, inspect minutely, and ask at least 6 questions about every cigarette b utt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. 12. Retrace your steps. 13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors come out and stare at you. 14. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Lesson 9
Repeat everything you have learned at least (if not more than) five times.
Lesson 10
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is also excellent). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 11
1. Hollow out a melon. 2. Ma ke a small hole! in the side. 3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. 4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. 5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone. 6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air. You are now ready to feed a nine- month old baby.
Lesson 12
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s “Noggin”?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 13
Move to the tropics. Find or make a compost pile. Dig down about halfway and stick your nose in it. Do this 3-5 times a day for at least two years.
Lesson 14
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying “mommy” repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each “mommy”; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 15
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the “mommy” tape made from Lesson 14 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Newborn Beauty
I have never been a big fan of newborns. Kittens and puppies, yes, but not babies. I like kids when they were a bit older and not so funny looking. My friend Alexis says babies come in 2 categories, and of course I forget what they are, but neither is complimentary, and one of them is aliens. Which is pretty much true. So when I was pregnant for the first time, I seriously wondered if my baby would be cute, and if it wasn’t, would I think it was cute anyway, and how I would know if people were lying to me when they said, “Aww, what a cute baby.” Luckily, Esther was an exceptionally beautiful baby. And ever luckier, I fell madly in love with her the moment I laid eyes on her, all purple and scrawny and covered in slime. So this time around, I’m pretty sure I’ll love the baby no matter what it looks like. And besides, I make cute babies 🙂
Simulated infants…oh my!
Hey moms and dads-to-be, wondering what it’s really like to have a baby? Here’s one way to find out! Someone has invented a simulated infant, programmed to behave like a real baby! It’s main use, aside from teaching parenting skills, is to dissuate teenagers from getting pregnant. And I have little doubt that it works… After reading this article I can’t decide whether it’s the funniest or saddest statement about today’s society.
This computerized doll begins to whimper if left unattended or not handled properly, and is soon wailing loudly if the situation is not fixed. Caring for the baby properly (feeding, burping, changing) as well as abusing it (shaking, holding upside down, neglect) are monitered by various computer chips inside the baby. One student who took part in this week-long experiment said “I recommend it, because kids these days think it’s a cute thing to have a child and dress it in nice clothes. And I say, ‘You should do this, because it will probably change your mind.'” Another participant said he realized that “you have to build your activities around your baby.”
Even though your simulated infant can look like you, with five racial groups and six skin colors to choose from, it’s hardly the same as having your own child. This program focuses on the hassel, not the rewards, of having a baby. You won’t be getting any sweet smiles or warm cuddles from this little machine, and without feeling any love and tenderness, caring for a baby 24-7 is is no fun at all. When it’s your own baby, the experience is very, very different!